Laura Henderson: [at Mrs. Henderson's husband's funeral] I'm bored with widowhood.
Lady Conway: My dear, you've just scratched the surface.
Laura Henderson: I have to smile at everybody. I've never had to smile at everybody. In India, there were always people to look down on.
Lady Conway: People are merely being sympathetic. After all, you have lost your husband.
Laura Henderson: Well I didn't mislay him! It was most inconsiderate of Robert to die. What on earth am I supposed to do now?
Lady Conway: It's really not so bad. Widows are allowed hobbies.
Laura Henderson: Hobbies?
Lady Conway: Yes. Embroidery, things like that.
Laura Henderson: Are you mad?
Lady Conway: I've graduated to weaving. Would you care to see my tapestries?
Laura Henderson: I'd rather drink ink.
Lady Conway: Committees are good of course. I serve on quite a few charities. Once your husband dies, it's quite permissible to help the poor. And now, there's no one to stop you buying things. Also, of course, there's a great deal of time for lovers.
Laura Henderson: Margot, I'm nearly 70!
Lady Conway: That's true, but you're also very rich. The one cancels out the other.

Bertie: What do you make of her?
Vivian Van Damm: She's beautiful.
Bertie: Yes.
Vivian Van Damm: But the nipples...
Bertie: Too large?
Vivian Van Damm: They're not British. Could be Italian. We must have British nipples.

Lady Conway: Adolescents and women in their eighth decade are strikingly similar.

Lady Conway: You obviously require a battle plan. My second husband, the general, always advocated attacking from the rear, which, although it did nothing to enhance our marriage, did bring him some success on the field.

Lord Cromer: Now what about, forgive me, the foliage?
Laura Henderson: Foliage?
Lord Cromer: You know, beneath the...
Laura Henderson: Beneath what? Try the Brie.
Lord Cromer: Thank you. Beneath the...
Laura Henderson: I had it flown in from France.
Lord Cromer: Excellent. The foliage beneath the...
Laura Henderson: My husband was very fond of it.
Lord Cromer: Of what?
Laura Henderson: This particular cheese.
Lord Cromer: My dear, I'm attempting to address the disagreeable and somewhat sordid topic of the pudendum.
Laura Henderson: What on earth is that?
Lord Cromer: Good heavens, woman!
Laura Henderson: Do have some more wine.
Lord Cromer: The female part.
Laura Henderson: Oh, the pussy!
Lord Cromer: [Gasps]
Laura Henderson: Why didn't you say?
Lord Cromer: I had not expected you, of all people, to use such language.
Laura Henderson: That word was rather popular in the mid-nineteenth century. Not everyone speaks Latin, you know.
Lord Cromer: Then I'd prefer you refer to it as 'the midlands'.
Laura Henderson: Oh, dear you men do get into such a state about 'the midlands', don't you? Well you needn't worry. Our lighting will be so subtle; the disputed area will be barely visible.
[as Lord Cromer drinks his wine]
Laura Henderson: And anyway, we'll have a barber.
Lord Cromer: [spits out wine and Mrs Henderson laughs]